It’s not all about me. That was the theme yesterday, in spite of my post. I talked to J when he got home, cried a lot, and realized the basis of my problems (emotionally, anyway) lately are based on a simple fact: I’m lonely. J is never home during the week when I am. The people I love to talk to at work are super busy, for a variety of reasons, and have no time or interest to talk right now. So, that’s the very basic idea. It’s really not because they don’t like me, or don’t want to talk to me, there’s just a lot going on.
J was really surprised. He knows I’m unhappy with his work situation (both of us are!), but I try to be strong for him. I don’t want to add to his already rather large pile of misery. All the people I would talk to and vent to aren’t available, and I just hit my breaking point. J admitted he hasn’t been doing a whole lot in the way of job searching lately, which probably shouldn’t have made me feel better, but somehow it did. I’d rather have him be honest. I’ve been not nagging, because I didn’t want him to be even more upset about the whole situation.
I’m okay. It will get better. It has to get better.
I just looked back to my first post, and I’m pretty much exactly where I started, 9 months ago. I’ve lost inches, but few pounds. Something. Needs. To Change.
And PS? That new weight watchers commercial J Hudson is promoting? Super annoying.
No sugar coating today. I’ve been having a very rough go of it the past month or so. Emotionally, I’m feeling unstable. Sad, confused, mentally tired. Physically, my knee has been acting up, my shoulder was bad enough this weekend to almost schedule a doc visit this week. Parts of my body hurt that have no reason to hurt, and I’m also physically exhausted.
My eating, in spite of it all, has probably been at 60-70% healthy on any given day. Not as good as it has been, but not terrible. After a weekend of being lazy, and one 3 mile run, I came in at 191.5 this morning. I really, honestly, haven’t been eating badly enough to warrant my weight changing like this. I’m so confused. I was trying to increase me cal intake a bit, keep it closer to 1800-2000, since my cal burn has been correspondingly closer/over 3000 a day. I’m thinking this was a crash and burn, and I’ll go back to more 1600-1800. This is very, very approximate, but what I aim for on any given day.
I’m grappling mentally with a lot. Everything feels like a lot, overwhelming, and like I just have no one who is my friend. It isn’t true, and I know it, but I’m struggling. It’s going to be okay, I know it, but.. sometimes, I just wish someone else would tell me that.
The weekend went well, for the most part. J ended up having heat exhaustion, after spending all day Saturday out mowing, and running with a friend and I yesterday, not drinking enough water. We were on our way home, and he said he had a headache. Then, we got to my parents, and was sweating, and throwing up. It was so. scary. After cool water, ice bags, and a cold shower, he finally felt better, but I don’t really want to go through that again.
I’m exhausted. My body hurts. I took my first nap in months (years?) during the work week this afternoon. This just doesn’t bode well for me. And we’re making a 4.5hr trip this weekend.. starting tomorrow night, at 10pm. :/
On the plus side, I had a great day! The next month is going to be killer for me in the lab, with a new experiment starting up. I’m readyyy.
I’m a sad panda because my co-worker, who wanted to do the color Run in DC with J, her boyfriend and I, didn’t sign up yet. And guess what is completely sold out, on both dates, with no wait list? :/ I was looking forward to running it with her and her boyfriend, but she was super busy when registration opened last Friday, and I didn’t want to nag her about it.
I’ve been home most of the day- my tire was flat this morning, which in and of itself isn’t a big deal. Except, my extra tire was also flat (a previous flat tire, haha). So, J works evenings, and my tire had to be repaired. So, I went to work for a couple hours, then J picked up me, went to work, and is now bringing home dinner.. bc I’ve cooked for most of the past week straight. I can’t do it anymore.
I planned on running, but it’s been thundering and looking distinctly rainy all afternoon.. without actually doing anything. Running in the rain is not a big deal, in and of itself. Thunder, however, is a deal breaker. I prefer not to be crispy fried.
The department graduation party is coming up soon- black tie optional. Gulp. E is my escort, as J will be up in PA at the Carlisle Ford Nationals. My boss will be disappointed, as he hasn’t met J yet. Oh, well. I’m terrified of dressing up. I have two possible dresses. One is decidedly.. hot. Maybe vava voom is a better description. The other is much less so, but still formal. I’m actually considering wearing the blue (VVV) dress. It’s appropriate, just.. bright. And blue. And out there. Hmm. Maybe I’ll try to take some webcam pics and see what you all think. Btw, this is my most formal ‘event’ since my wedding two years (barring a stint as a bridesmaid). Yikes.
Last night, I ended up finishing off the rest of my potato/veggie mix, as well as some sourdough pretzel bits. I ended up super hungry right around 10pm. I tried to wait it out, drink some water, but my stomach started growling, so it was legit. I don’t know why, I guess because my calorie count was low, because I was definitely full when I finished dinner earlier.
Today:
- Breakfast- Apple, peanut butter, ww eng muffin with cinnamon butter.
- Lunch- Ugh. Turkey bacon flatbread sandwich, with a single serve side of chips.
- No snack- lunch left me feeling sick.
- Dinner- TBD.
Lunch was such a bad, bad idea. I felt sick all afternoon, and Zumba was rough. I’ve had that sandwich before from the cafe, and it’s usually very tasty. I think it was just super greasy today, and I’ve been avoiding greasy foods.
I’m hoping for a lighter dinner. :) I also have mangos, and a pomegranate, which require eating. Yummm.
For all of my fellow Tumblr fitblrs, here is another example of why the scale is okay for long term weight tracking, but for day to day.. it blows.
- Sunday: 188lb
- Monday: 191lb (!!!!!!!!)
- Tuesday: 190lb
I haven’t seen the 190s in over a month, and suddenly- BAM! I admit I had a little freakout moment yesterday morning. That being said, even with my terrible tracking skillz the last several weeks month, I know I didn’t eat enough at any point to actually earn myself three extra pounds. That’s over 10,000 extra calories. Ten. THOUSAND. This was also following a healthy, active weekend- kayaking and fun galore.
Take home message: Don’t let the scale take over your life. Remember that there are so many reasons you can ‘gain’ 3lb overnight, but unless you just had an epic binge, it’s probably something that is not at all permanent.
It’s been a good eating day today. I’m rather proud of myself!
- Breakfast- Egg beaters, onions, salsa, wW tortilla and some parmesan on top.
- Lunch- Leftover jambalaya from dinner last night.
- Snack- Raspberry chobani, a couple sourdough pretzel bites.
- Dinner- 1 slice WW bread, with a bit of chicken breast, and fresh mozz broiled on top; white potato with onions and carrots with flavored olive oil and garlic powder, salt.
Treat- 3 musketeers truffle. (I’m pmsing. Whatever.) I also had a couple bites of the “chocolate frosting” I made yesterday. Yummm.
I’m at around 1500 cals for the day, so I still have some wiggle room. I did make it to zumba today, and it was a fight. Between the crappy, uninspiring weather, and my knee/shoulder being sore.. it was bad. I put on my knee brace and chewed on some naproxen, and rocked it out! Yay!
Time to get myself together, emotionally, physically and in every other way. Goals for today/ this week:
- Drink 2-3L of water. I’m bloated as heck right now.
- Track my food. Really, really slacking on this for the past month.
- More fruits and veggies- lame excuse, but they changed the entire produce section at my store, and I keep missing some of my favorites, like broccoli and mangos.
- Get my butt in the gym. No excuses.
- Maybe contradictory to the last point, but take care of my knee and shoulder. I think kayaking for 4 hours on Saturday really stiffened up my knee. My shoulder isn’t worse for the kayaking, but it’s not better, either.
- Less. Sugar.I’m not even going to talk about how much sugar I’ve had in the past two weeks. It has been bad, and started a bad cycle in my eating.
- Read my fitness magazines. They help me feel inspired to keep this up- I love before and after stories.
I hope everyone has a great Monday, I’m relaxed and ready to go! J and I saw the Avengers last night. Oh my, it was awesome. I couldn’t believe how good that movie was. And it was eye candy heaven for the ladies (am I allowed to say that? Yum.)
Crunchy curried tuna wrap
I love fitness magazines. I have several subscriptions, but I didn’t realize how many (FOUR!) until we moved to Baltimore. I’m down to 3 now.. $6 subscriptions? Sure! I just made this curried tuna wrap recipe for lunch, and I got it from the Self Drop 10 food lists. Generally, I avoid the term ‘diet’ and most of the related junk, but I do love looking for healthy recipes to try out. So, I made this one, with a few adjustments for foods I didn’t have in my kitchen.
- 5 oz can tuna, packed in water; drained.
- 1/4 apple, chopped; plus remaining 3/4s.
- 1/4c chopped celery
- 1/4t curry powder
- 2T chopped pecans (I used almonds)
- 2T nonfat plain Greek yogurt (Subbed LF mayo)
- 8” whole wheat tortilla
- Romaine lettuce
- 1/3c shredded carrot
Combine tuna, apple, celery, curry, almonds, mayo in a bowl. (I also added onions!) Spread on tortilla, top with romaine and carrots. Roll, and serve with remaining apple slices.
This is pretty hefty, calorie-wise- around 500 cals, give or take a bit depending on your tortilla choice, etc. However, it is really tasty, and feels like it will keep me going all afternoon.
(Source: self.com)
Kayaking yesterday was awesome. The Rocky Gorge Reservoir (Laurel, MD), is definitely my favorite so far. It’s really close to Baltimore, about 25 min drive from our place, and it was very.. untouched. Except for the put in area, there were no park benches, lots of forest and a ton of herons. We chased multiple herons down the reservoir. Well, not chased, but we kept scaring them as we paddled. The weather was perfect, and it had about the best kayaking conditions I’ve ever paddled in- light winds, but no crazy whitecaps or anything. We even found a few beautiful tiny waterfalls, where streams joined the lake.
(Not my picture, as we don’t have a new camera yet. Please see the source content link!)
All in all, it was amazing. I could see myself kayaking alone here, except it’s literally impossible to get our kayaks out of the apartment with one person. I used to kayak alone when I lived in Hershey, but alas, no more.
We spent the rest of the afternoon hitting up various places, including the wine store, Target (last book in the Dragon Tattoo series!), and some dinnah. My plans for the day: cleaning up, reading, and maybe some cross stitching. Optional: hip hop abs class, or running a 5k. I should probably do a little training, no?
(Source: Flickr / vanredloop)
Gone kayaking!
I wrote out a long post.. and deleted it. No one actually cares enough on here to read it, and I’m feeling too self-pitying at the moment for it to be an interesting read.
So, the day in bullet points:
- It wasn’t as horrific as yesterday, but just as exhausting.
- I skipped Zumba tonight. I don’t regret it. I just finished a book, and I’m prepping for kayaking tomorrow.
- I signed J and I up for the Color Run in DC this fall. I’m very excited- and this is my first ‘official’ race.
- I’m feeling depressed, but I think it’s part PMS/ part exhaustion from work. It’s making me paranoid about everything. Every. single. thing.
- I want to go to NH for Memorial Day, to help set up the cottage for the summer. J is pretty ambivalent, since the Ford nationals in Carlisle is the week after. I say he owes it to me, since he will be gone all damn weekend. Our anniversary weekend. This is going to be repeated every year. Sigh.
- I wish my weight would go down. I actually lost weight faster when I portion controlled hamburger helper, than I do now with healthy fruits and veggies, and making meals from real food.
- I need a hug.
DC Color Race!
J and I are signed up! I’m really excited about this.
I guess I should ‘train’. Even though I can hike 18 miles in one day? Sure, why not. I realized it’s bright enough now that I could go home and run a 5k, with plenty of light left. Something to think about.
It’s 5:15pm. I’m still at work. I have been busting my ass since I got to work this morning, all for the woman who isn’t my boss. I’m exhausted. Just when I thought I was done, and was enjoying five minutes of non-science talk with a friend at work, she interrupts me. Rudely. Then throws another hours worth of work on my lap. Then says the intern who has been here for a year isn’t comfortable doing the RNA extractions with a kit, that he’s done a bunch of times before now. And our samples are late. I’m positive of our intern’s ability to handle this.
My husband is at home, waiting for me. He had the day off, and is making dinner for me. We were planning on enjoying each other’s company, and the fact that we would see each other more in one evening today that we would in an entire week while awake. I’m so fucking tired, and all I want to do is spend time with J.
I have a bottle of wine, and a meal waiting for me. I told this lady how important it was that I get home on time today, and the one freakin day she doesn’t listen.. is today. Fuck this.
